Some time ago, I wrote a post about originality, about having thoughts that are not only a regurgitation of what others have said (a risk when you read a fair bit of research for work). Recently, the tide turned a little. Because I am feeling rather dissatisfied at work and it is a quiet summer, there has been plenty of time to reflect on what it is we do in these offices, and how much of it really matters.
There is a bigger story, which others have tackled before, about the value of financial firms to the world (some, at least) — today’s thoughts are entirely selfish. At the mid-year review this week, as I was collecting some notes on what to say and what to bring up, one thought lingered. Perhaps saying it out loud is not always the smartest solution, but then who really benefits from employees not sharing what is going on in their mind when it has the potential to affect at least their immediate team.
Every day over the last months, what we have been doing has felt entirely insignificant, to the point where if I stood up right now and never returned to this office and my workstreams, I am convinced that (except for HR paperwork) no real dollar in the world would be impacted. No value added, no value lost. Nothing. Junior employees are supposed to learn and to be useful resources for their seniors in the execution of what has to get done, and in the pursuit of ‘value’. But to add zero, none at all? Surely nobody benefits from that situation.
As the saying goes, “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”. I don’t actually believe that is true — passion projects can often be the most grueling and demanding. What the saying implies is more pertinent — passion makes us willing to take on hard work, take on at times unrewarding work for the bigger picture, to work toward a goal, a long term commitment. That feeling, a desire to be committed to ‘this’ is what I have been searching for. It’s not the money that makes a difference, it’s wanting to do it. Being excited to wake up and to keep going, wanting to stay an hour extra not because you are mandated to, but because you have the drive to get it right, because getting it right matters.
Here, I feel no drive. Here is a place to drift casually, to satisfice not excel, because you know that even if you did, even if you killed yourself, the impact would be marginal at best to the big picture.
What is next, then? Time will tell.
Published on July 20, 2023