There is… It is not quite a dark cloud. There is a kind of spectre hovering through my life, that seems to keep my mind awake at night and in the day. It does not announce itself. It does not threaten or make demands. It has no shape, no form, no identification. It is like a warning light without a label. ‘Something is not as it is meant to be’, its presence alludes. ‘You can do this’, the encouragement it somehow manages to convey Perhaps a spectre is too unkind a description. Some may call it a sort of guardian, reminding me in its presence to ask and question — to discover and push for my best self? Perhaps a spectre is what my guardian angel would look life, mysterious and leaving (too much, at times) room for interpretation. Somewhat of a stoic stone figure, hearing what i say but never responding, instead requiring me to figure out my path, even when that’s pretty tricky What i wonder about, have been wondering about, is what kind of danger is it trying to warn me of? Over the last weeks I have spent a lot of time thinking about the where, what and how of my next chapters. What matters, what does not. Which goals are worth their pursuit, which should be set aside or shelved? Am I going fast enough or too fast, am i headed in the right direction — how do the answers doffer for the various domains for my life? Am I healthy, am I being good to myself? How much is enough, how much is too much? Where does that sometimes existential panic come from, that struggle with reality and its speed… The spectre, I think it can be a very healthy influence, but I need to realize, on my own, what questions it needs me to ask, what answers I truly seek
Published on August 13, 2023